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I had a creeping suspicion that the deaths of Kian, Arnaiz, and Kulot were part of a conspiracy to bring down the government of Presiden...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

MAY ARAW DIN KAYO


Tatagalugin ko na nang makuha n’yo. Kahit na lingwaheng kanto lang ang alam kong Tagalog.

Tutal Buwan ng Wika naman ang Agosto. Baka sakali ’yung paboritong wika ni Balagtas ay makatulong sa pag-unawa n’yo dahil mukhang ’yung paboritong wika ni Shakespeare ay lampas sa IQ n’yo. Kung sa bagay, ang pinakamahirap gisingin ay ’yung nagtutulug-tulugan. Ang pinakamahirap padinggin ay ’yung nagbibingi-bingihan. Ang pinakamahirap paintindihin ay ’yung nagmamaangmaangan.. Bueno, mahirap din paintindihin ’yung likas na tanga. Pero bahala na.

Sabi mo, Cerge Remonde, alangan naman pakanin ng hotdog ang amo mo. Bakit alangan? Hindi naman vegetarian ’yon. At public service nga ’yon, makakatulong dagdagan ng cholesterol at salitre ang dugong dumadaloy papuntang puso n’ya. Kung meron man s’yang dugo, kung meron man s’yang puso.

By Conrado de Quiros
Philippine Daily Inquirer

First Posted 01:04:00 08/17/2009


Bakit alangan? Malamang di ka nagbabasa ng balita, o di lang talaga nagbabasa, kung hindi ay nalaman mo ’yung ginawa ni Barack Obama at Joe Biden nitong nakaraang Mayo. Galing silang White House patungong Virginia nang magtakam sila pareho ng hamburger. Pina detour nila ang motorcade at tumuloy sa unang hamburgerang nakita nila. Ito20ang Ray’s Hell Burger, isang maliit at independienteng hamburger joint.

Tumungo ang dalawa sa counter at sila mismo ang nag-order, hindi mga aides. Nagbayad sila ng cash na galing sa sariling bulsa at kagaya ng ibang customers ay pumila para sa turno nila.
Ito ay presidente at bise presidente ng pinakamakapangyarihang bansa sa buong mundo. Kung sa bagay, ’yung amo n’yo ay hindi naman talaga presidente. Di lang makita ang pagkakaiba ni Garci kay God kaya nasabing “God put me here.” Pekeng presidente, pekeng asal presidente.

Sabi mo, Anthony Golez, maliit lang ang P1 million dinner kumpara sa bilyon-bilyong pisong dinala ng amo mo sa bansa.
Ay kayo lang naman ang nagsasabing may inambag ang amo n’yo na bilyong-bilyong piso sa kaban ng bayan. Ni anino noon wala kaming nakita. Ang nakita lang namin ay yung bilyon-bilyong piso—o borjer, ayon nga sa inyong dating kakosa na si Benjamin Abalos—na inaswang ng amo n’yo sa kaban ng bayan. Executive privilege daw ang hindi n’ya sagutin ito.
Kailan pa naging pribilehiyo ng isang opisyal ang di managot sa taumbayan? Kailan pa naging pribilehiyo ng isang opisyal ang magnakaw?

Maliit lang pala ang P1 million, ay bakit hindi n’yo na lang ibigay sa nagugutom? O doon sa mga sundalo sa Mindanao? Tama si Archbishop Oscar Cruz. Isipin n’yo kung gaano karaming botas man lang ang mabibili ng P1 million at karagdagang P750,000 na nilamon ng amo n’yo at mga taga bi tbit ng kanyang maleta sa isa pang restawran sa New York.

Maliit lang pala ang P1 million (at P750,000), bakit hindi n’yo na lang ibigay doon sa pamilya ng mga sundalong namatay sa Mindanao? Magkano ’yung gusto n’yong ibigay sa bawat isa? P20,000? Sa halagang iyan 50 sundalo na ang maaabuluyan n’yo sa $20,000. Pasalu-saludo pa ’yang amo n’yo sa mga namatay na kala mo ay talagang may malasakit. Bumenta na ’yang dramang ’yan. At pasabi-sabi pa ng “Annihilate the Abus!” Di ba noon pa n’ya ’yan pinangako? Mahilig lang talagang mangako ’yang amo n’yo.

Bukod pa d’yan, saan ba nanggaling ’yung limpak-limpak na salapi ng mga kongresista na pinansisindi nila ng tabako? Di ba sa amin din? Tanong n’yo muna kung ayos lang na i-blowout namin ng wine at caviar ang amo n’yo habang kami ay nagdidildil ng asin—’yung magaspang na klase ha, ’di yung iodized. Ang tindi n’yo, mga p’re.

At ikaw naman, Romulo Macalintal, tapang ng apog mo. Maiisip mo tuloy na sundin na lang ang mungkahi ni Dick the Butcher sa “Henry VI” ni Shakespeare: “First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Pa ethics-ethics ka pa, pasalamat ka di nasunog ang bibig mo sa pagbigkas ng katagang ’yon.

Marami mang sugapa rin sa aming mga taga media, di naman kasing sugapa n’yo. At di naman kami sineswelduhan ng taumbayan. W ala naman kaming problemang sumakay sa PAL at kailangan pang bumili ng P1.2 billion jet. Anong sabi n’yo, kailangan ng amo n’yo sa pabyahe-byahe? E sino naman ang may sabing magbabyahe s’ya? Ngayon pang paalis na s’ya—malinaw na ayaw n’yang umalis. Bakit hindi na lang s’ya bumili ng Matchbox na eroplano? Kasya naman s’ya ro’n.

Lalo kayong nagpupumiglas, lalo lang kayong lumulubog sa kumunoy. Di n’yo malulusutan ang bulilyasong ginawa n’yo. Para n’yo na ring inagaw ang isinusubong kanin ng isang batang nagugutom. Tama si Obama at Biden: Sa panahon ng recession, kung saan nakalugmok ang mga Amerikano sa hirap, dapat makiramay ang mga pinuno sa taumbayan, di nagpapakapariwara. Sa panahon ng kagutuman, na matagal nang kalagayan ng Pinoy, at lalo pang tumindi sa paghagupit ng Typhoon Gloria, dapat siguro uminom na lang kayo ng insecticide. Gawin n’yo ’yan at mapapawi kaagad ang kagutuman ng bayan.

Sa bandang huli, buti na rin lang at ginawa n’yo ’yung magpasasa sa P1 million dinner habang lupaypay ang bayan sa kagutuman—di lang sa kawalan ng pagkain kundi sa iba pang bagay—at pagdadalamhati sa yumaong Ina ng Bayan. Binigyan n’yo ng mukha ang katakawan. Katakawang walang kabusugan. Mukhang di nakita ng masa sa usaping NBN, mukhang di nakikita ng masa sa usaping SAL. Mukhang nakita lang ng masa dito sa ginawa n’yong ito. Sa pagpapabondat sa New York habang naghihinagpis ang bayan.
0A

At buti na rin lang mayroon tayong sariling wika. Di sapat ang Inggles para iparamdam sa inyo ang suklam na nararamdaman namin sa inyo. Di sapat ang Inggles para ipakita sa inyo ang pagkamuhi na nararamdaman namin sa inyo. Di maarok ng Inggles ang lalim ng poot na nararamdaman namin sa inyo.
Isinusuka na kayo ng taumbayan, mahirap man sumuka ang gutom.

May araw din kayo.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

WHO IS THIS PERSON?



For more information, check out the following links:

http://ilfilibusterismo.blogspot.com/2009/07/researcher-author-publisher.html 
http://ilfilibusterismo.blogspot.com/2009/07/paras-belgian-gardener.html 
http://ilfilibusterismo.blogspot.com/2009/07/whos-who.html


Monday, August 24, 2009

OPEN LETTER TO THE KNIGHTS OF RIZAL


As the Knights of Rizal, you people should have already settled the issue of the Rizal retraction scandal. The shameful damaging controversy has been going on for more than 110 years now. Rizal was condemned to death as an infidel. He was framed with the crime of rebellion to kill him for brilliantly attacking the religious establishment as even the 2005 published Opus Dei book admits.

Through the years, you Knights of Rizal, historians, biographers, and even a famous lady columnist wrote that it does not matter whether Rizal retracted or not because it is a non-issue. I ask: are you people really that frightened of the truth? And to think that some of you are lawyers by profession. You were trained in the art of cross-examination precisely to ferret out the truth. When has the truth ever been a non-issue in human tragedy? We Filipinos have yet to acknowledge that our hero, Rizal, died truthful to his principles and humanitarian ideals. Indeed, he met his death intellectually sober and not drunk with religious lies. Clearly, the church in authority found it necessary to put Rizal to death. After all, it is easier to destroy the reputation of a dead man than it is to destroy his truthful writings, especially if he remains alive doing more truthful writings. Rizal advocated the rational way of life and he therefore got to be the notorious enemy of Christianity. Rizal wanted us to grow up and to stop living in fear and in guilt. Moreover, to stop wasting our time falling on our knees praying daily to a Supreme Being out there to give us this day our daily bread and to lead us not into temptation down here.

Christianity could never allow Rizal’s teachings to revolutionize the Filipino way of thinking: it is always better to think than it is to believe. Unfortunately, faith condemns people not to think. And sadly, with faith, millions believe that Rizal died as a penitent Catholic totally rejecting Rizal‘s message: “Be careful, choose well, for this world is full of deceits and deceivers.” And to think that after he was executed Rizal was not even granted a Catholic burial. It only proves that the Rizal retraction story was pure gimcrackery. It was concocted by the priesthood industry to protect Christianity with its vested interest in human misery. In this 21st century, we poor Filipinos are still searching for our identity and prosperity and social sanity which Rizal struggled and gave his precious life for. Oh, you Knights of Rizal, wake up! Rizal is still a vague hero to millions of Filipinos! Only the few know Rizal as a brilliant thinker who was executed for being too brilliant a thinker who catered not to the authority of the church, but served instead his people and the future welfare of his own country! Indeed, thanks to the courage of great thinkers in the stature of a Rizal, Christianity today is tearing itself apart externally as it is collapsing internally.

I accuse you Knights of Rizal of both errancy and complicity in the second assassination of Rizal’s character and reputation. It is worthless to ignore those who maliciously invented Rizal’s retraction document hours before he was executed. It is more crucial to defend Rizal’s loyalty to veracity, profound sense of common human decency, and unquestionable level of scientific honesty. If we, the Filipino people, continue to suffer under the failure of our social values and religious beliefs, it is simply due to the historical success of Christianity in the Philippines. Indeed, as products of our Christian schools, colleges, and universities we have yet to be taught how to emulate our great hero - the rare and brave thinking Filipino that he was - who struggled against those made corrupt by wealth, power, and glory selling nothing but the gospel of sacred lies and biblical falsehoods in this country since the 16th century.

Gentlemen, our chief hero was put to death for being humanistic, scientific, and a heretic. Indeed, the same Rizal, the sane and rational man that he was, with dignity and self-respect - refused to fall on his knees in blind obedience to anything fantastic be it ecclesiastic, apostolic, pontific, or even theologic.

Yours in Rizal, Poch Suzara

Friday, August 21, 2009

THE IRONY OF FATE

by Jose Sison Luzadas, KGOR

Scarborough Chapter

CANADA


In his introduction to Leon Ma.Guerrero's award winning biography of Dr Jose Rizal, Carlos Quirino boastfully repeated that the history of the Philippines under Spain begins and ends with the Spanish FRIAR. So is Dr. Jose Rizal! Let us examine to unravel the exciting fate of our national hero.

Our history tells us that there were Spanish friars who accompanied Ferdinand Magellan who offered the first mass at Limasawa in 1521.

When the king decided to have permanent Spanish settlement in the Philippines , another conquistador arrived, Miguel Lopez de Legaspi. With him was his cousin and navigator, Father Urdaneta who together with fellow Spanish friars were primarily responsible in bringing pagan Filipinos to embrace Christianity and the Iberian civilization.

There was also another friar, Father Collantes who baptized the little boy from Calamba destined to be dubbed as "The First Filipino" born to carry a mission of exposing the abuses of the friars.

In Calamba, the Rizal family was a respected member of the Ilustrado or principalia of the Filipino upper class society created by the Spaniards. However, when economic prosperity put them at odds with the Dominican Order, filibusterism became a deadly excuse, a virus inflicting fear of imaginary charges. When the natives were restless they began to find ways to beat the odds.

Jose Rizal was one of the boys from middle class Filipino families who surreptitiously left for Europe in the guise of pursuing studies to escape the fates of three native priests Gomez, Burgos and Zamora , fallen victims

of filibusterism, scapegoats in the Cavite Mutiny of 1872. Ten years later, Rizal was with them again in Madrid , Barcelona , Berlin , Ghent , Paris and London sporting the names we are now familiar like Marcelo del Pilar,

Trinidad Pardo de Tavera, Pedro Paterno, Graciano Lopez Jaena, Mariano Ponce, Jose Alejandrino, Juan, Antonio and Joaquin Luna and other expatriates.

No longer boys but dedicated young men calling themselves Los Indios Bravos, who volunteered editing, managing, selling, soliciting ads and funds for the survival and continued publication of La Solidaridad,

the fortnightly journal and the voice of the Propaganda Movement. Dr Rizal?s love of his country has been the hallmark of his leadership. There were some who hated and disliked his moral precept for he cannot stand watching his countrymen wasting money and time for gambling, whiskey and women. Overall, Rizal was highly respected for his intelligence, matured thinking and idealism.

An eye doctor by profession, he forfeited a lucrative medical practice to give priority working for his countrymen the needed reforms and simple basic rights that denied them by a yawning insensitivity of the Spanish colonial government and the Catholic Church. In his impassioned speech on behalf of Juan Luna and Resurrecion Hidalgo , two Filipino artists awarded respectively gold and silver medals in a painting competition in Madrid Exposition, Rizal reminded his audience of Spanish and expatriates that genius is free like air and because it is everywhere it could never be a monopoly of one race, people or region.

The most acerbic among propagandists, Rizal jolted the lethargic colonial masters and domineering influence of the friars through his vitriolic attacks in the pages of La Solidaridad. Realizing that the fortnightly newspaper lacked the deadly punch, he resorted to writing novels where there was a bigger reading audience to address his favorite theme: the abused and misused of religion and the ugly face of colonialism.

Ever since the day the Noli and Fili were distributed for public reading consumption, Rizal's enemies, primarily the frailocracy, never slept nor were they contented with mere idle threats. Because he was the root cause to their wretchedness, Rizal knew the dire consequence of his actions. The friars mobilized all the resources they can muster to insure that Rizal and his immediate and extended family suffer all imaginable charges and harassment. Ironical as it may seem that the Noli and Fili, two killer bees, were made the stinging reasons for Rizal?s death. Death to their tormentor is the friars' version of a bittersweet revenge.

To friends and foes, Rizal is known for his revolutionary ideas. His literary works were at most times inflammatory and seditious. His name with or without his consent was used as the rallying cry and password of Bonifacio's Katipunan. All of these and the forced extracted confessions of known Filipinos he has associated with, led to his arrest, court martial and conviction that culminated with his execution by firing squad on December 30, 1896.

Unlike Father Jose Burgos, Rizal did not cry when confronted with the reality of death. Like Socrates of ancient Athens accused of poisoning the minds of the youth and insulting the gods, consented to drinking the hemlock, Rizal despite protesting his guilt of personal involvement calmly took the decision of the military tribunal and bravely faced the firing squad in the same Bagumbayan grounds where twenty-four years earlier he dedicated his FILI to the three GUMBURZA martyrs. Rizal shared the fate of the martyrs, a victim of filibusterism synonymous to subversion.

Rizal cannot escape to have Father Collantes, as the first friar he met in his life for having baptized him and Father Vilaclara whom he said his last good bye. What an irony of Fate!

It appears that all the sacrifices Rizal did, were done on purpose without qualms or regrets. He was in all appearances, "digging his own grave" despite having read so to speak `the handwritings on the wall'. Call it……. a calculated risk?

Martyrdom like heroism is not for everyone 'where many were called and few are chosen'. Heroes are made, not born and they are the products of their times.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

RIZAL ADVICE TO THE WOMEN OF MALOLOS

Rizal Advice to the family of Maria Corazón Sumulong Cojuangco.

The reluctant housewife and timid flower might have gotten Rizal's advice to the young women of Malolos that became the turning point of the status of women in the Philippines that is to have the right to education. The parish priest of Malolos argued that women should always stay at home and take care of the family. Rizal encouraged the women's pursue of education. May your desire to educate yourself be crowned with success, he told the young women in Tagalog. Cory great grandmother, Antera Estrella, was born in Malolos on January 1, 1847 to Felepe Estrella and Martina Calub Cruz. Her sister, Eugenia Estrella born later September 5, 1850 followed the only brother, Faustino Estrella on 13 February 1853 both in Malolos. The younger sister married Severo Del Valle. These ancestrial records are based on Mormon research on the Philippine Catholic Church records provided to me by the great granddaughter, Maria Del Valle (from the Eugenia Estrella). She is now based in California with vast inventory of family research and knowledge of Philippine history.

Antera married Jose (yong intsik, the Chinaman), a Chinese immigrant to the Philippines, the children were Ysidra and Melencio Cojuangco, the grandfather of Cory. Ysidra and other Cory' great Aunt might have been among the brave women, Governor Weyler visited Malolos in 1888, when he eventually granted the petition for the school for women. The original petition was signed by twenty women, mostly of Chinese ancestry. In the 1840's Malolos was becoming well known for the growing Chinese population as the famous Claveria Edict was about to be promulgated. The Decree allowed the perpetuation of Chinese name modified and spelled in Spanish convention. All the names in Malolos petition were Chinese origin except for Reyes. They were Ysidra's contemporaries being born 1867 and died 1960. Maria remembered her as Impong Sidra, the tsinita with her hair bun (pusod) . Not written in history, she played in the revolution smuggling supplies to the rebels. Dona Sidra remained spinster but it was the belief that General Antonio Luna was a successful suitor. Antonio Luna wrote under the pen-name "Taga-ilog" in the propaganda movement but he once fought Rizal for the same girl in Europe.

Ironically, Governor Weyler would be remembered for expelling the Rizal family and the demolition of Rizal House in Calamba from the land the Dominican wanted out. Del Pilar wanted Rizal to address the faith of these women. . Certainly, the women's revolution started but Cory has gone beyond from her American school days inside the convent in New York. She became the mother of a nation on its darkest hour.

Cory's great-grandfather, Jose Cojuangco, left Fujian, China for the Philippines in 1836. His son and Cory's paternal grandfather, Melencio Cojuangco, was voted to the country's First Congress in 1898, when Filipino revolutionaries declared the Malolos Convention only to see the independence from Spain replaced by the Americans. Cory never knew her paternal grandfather because Melencio died young. It was Melencio's spinster sister Ysidra, known to the Cojuangco kids as Lola (Grandma) Ysidra, provided the power for the family enterprise. She was the brave woman of Malolos of the Rizal era. The Estrella Family moved from Malolos to Tarlac and established the political dynasty in Paniqui. Melencio served 1/1/1906 to 1/1908,Agustin Estrella Del Valle 10/16/1934 to 10/16/1937 and the first Commonwealth Municipal Mayor 10/16/1937 to 10/16/1940, Jose Jojuangco, Jr served in the 1960's. The current mayor Dors Cojuangco Rivilla son of Lourdes and granddson of Dr Antonio Cojuangco who was massacred during second World War.

Cory spoke about American tragedy…Suffering is solitary. You can sympathize with another's pain but you can experience only your own. When you commemorate 9-11 again, do not recall the collapse of two of the world's tallest buildings or the momentary humbling of a great nation's pride. Remember rather the widows and orphans; the grieving parents; recalling each one as having lost their world when the Twin Towers collapsed. Indeed, we are alone with our grief, though, when I would lose him forever I would have millions by my side. The loss was not less but the consolation was inestimable. Like 9-11, martial law came like a sneak attack, catching the guardians of democracy defenseless and off guard. She then would extend of her husband's school, the primary Jesuit institution Ateneo de Manila, have compiled a list of the Jesuit-educated heroes and patriots of at least three eras. The first era belongs to the 19 heroes and patriots of the Philippine war of liberation against Spain and the Philippine war against American aggression. There was the quintessential Malay hero Jose Rizal, writer, philosopher, naturalist, doctor of medicine and a swordsman of the first rank.

Just like Rizal, she was a patient and peaceful painter, with Chinese ancestry traceable to Fujian province, and had stayed in New York City just half century apart.

Nestor Palugod Enriquez
www.filipinohome. com
Coming to America

Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery.
Today is a gift,and that's why we call it the present.



The story of twenty Malolos women is found on (Ps to Dr Yodel you might want to link or website) They were dressed in Maria Clara attire, a classic..

http://www.womenofm alolos.org/ Pages/Portrait. html

Sunday, August 16, 2009

THAT A TRUE RIZALIST SHOULD SPEAK THE TRUTH...


What are the reasons why

ESGUERRA STILL RETAINS AND PROTECTS ALCOBA BUT DISCREDITS BOWMAN WHILE HE EXPLOITS HIM ON HIS CREDIBILITY...

Click on: http://ilfilibusterismo.blogspot.com/

WHO IS MORE SINCERE?


Saturday, August 15, 2009

ARROYO'S LAVISH NYC DINNER IS OBSCENE


THE $20,000 dinner that Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, her husband and entourage reportedly recently had at New York City's celebrated Le Cirque restaurant is truly obscene.

It does not matter that no taxpayers money was used to pay for it. According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer the dinner was hosted by Leyte Rep. Martin Romualdez as a blowout for the wedding anniversary of the presidential couple. But even so, nearly P1 million for one dinner for only 50 people?! They allegedly drank 11 bottles of Krug champagne at $550 a pop (!), and had several servings of caviar ($1,400).

The tabloid paper New York Post broke the story in its gossip column on Friday. Arroyo's press secretary Cerge Remonde tried to belittle the progressive group Bayan, for its statements of outrage over such a costly dinner when so many Filipinos are hungry, by attacking the group and claiming it was a front for communist forces bent on overthrowing the Philippine government.

According to one estimate the $20,000 spent on the lavish dinner could have fed three-square meals to 3,000 poor families.

Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez, who took part in the dinner, downplayed the costs by saying that a $20,000 tab was high for Manila but not for New York City, where everything is more expensive. "I don't know why they're making such a big deal," he told the Inquirer in an interview. "It's New York where everything is more expensive than Manila. We were more than 50 in our group, the president's security and the Secret Service joined us."

Still, that comes out to $400 a head, which seems steep to me, even for New York.
Even staunch Arroyo ally Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, who was with the president on this trip but did not attend the dinner because she was tired, lambasted the event for being so lavish during a worldwide economic recession. "I can sympathize with critics because it sounds so outrageous and outlandish that people from a developing country should rack up a bill of P1 million," she told the Inquirer.

We came to expect such lavish spending from the Marcoses, but not from a president and her allies who were originally swept into office after Edsa II on a popular wave of repugnance at former President Joseph Estrada's corruption. How times have changed!


Source: http://www.rasheedsworld.blogspot.com/


Friday, August 14, 2009

DOES THIS PERSON MERIT TO BE A KNIGHT OF RIZAL?


Read more about him in:

http://ilfilibusterismo.blogspot.com/2009/08/what-great-shame-to-moral-values-of.html


Sunday, August 2, 2009

MAGSAYA MUNA TAYO!


Pinoy life cycle....
3 to 8 years old - Paramihan ng toys
9 to 18 years old - Pataasan ng grades.
19 to 25 - Padamihan ng siyota.
26 to 35 - Pagandahan ng asawa.
36 to 45 - Palakihan ng income.
46 to 55 - Padamihan ng kabit.
56 and after - Padamihan ng sakit.

Anak: Mommy, ang ganda ng bracelet mo. Bigay ba ni Daddy yan?
Mommy: Ay naku anak, kung sa Daddy mo lang ako aasa, baka pati ikaw wala sa mundong ito..

Matrona: Sa palagay mo Love, ilan taon na ako?
Lover: Kung titignan sa buhok 18. Kung nakatalikod 21. Kung titignan sa kutis 25. Bali 64 ang total.

Theme song of married couples....
1 to 10 years - Araw-araw gabi-gabi
11 to 25 years - Saan ka man naroon
26 to 49 years - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan
50 years and up - Maalaala mo kaya

Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ('May bahay')
Ano naman ang kabit? ('May condo')

Doc: 'Ano ang trabaho mo, iha?'
Girl: 'Substitute po.'
Doc: 'Di kaya prostitute ?'
Girl: 'Doc, kaibigan ko ang prostitute. Kung hindi siya puwede, ako ang pumapalit!'

In an obstetricians clinic:
Doc: 'Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... -. I won't take advantage of you!'
Girl: 'Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?'
Doc: 'Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko.'

Sa seminario:
Madre: 'Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga seminarista. Umiihi sila sa pader!'
Father: 'Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo nang pansinin!'
Madre: 'Naku, Father, malalaki po, Malaki!'

BARTENDER: Sir, napansin ko bawat inom ninyo tum itingin kayo sa bulsa ninyo.
MAN: Ahh, ito? Picture ng Misis ko ito.... pag maganda na siya sa tingin ko, uuwi na ako.

Guy : Doc, hina ng tenga ko. Di ko marinig kahit utot ko.
DR. : Heto inumin mo ng isang linggo.
GUY : Lalakas na ang pandinig ko?
DR. : Hindi lalakas na ang utot mo!

Jinggoy: Dad, pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?
Erap :(natawa) trick question ba yan anak? Eh, di pang-lima, kaya na PIP ang tawag sa kanya, di ba?

Genie: Dahil pinalaya mo ako, may 3 wishes ka!
Man: UNA Gawin mo akong rich, pero di bayad ng tax;
PAGALAWA powerful, pero di halata;
PANGATLO notorious, pero wala sabit.
Genie: Okay, mula ngayon ikaw na si PING LACSON.

Sgt: Boss, nakatakas si Al-Ghozi.
Ebdane: Huh! Did you seal all exits?
Sgt: Yes, sir!
Ebdane: Eh paano siya nakatakas?
Sgt: Doon po kasi siya lumabas sa entrance.

A COW story:
America has COWboy and COWgirl.
England has madCOW.
China has MaCOW.
Russia has MosCOW .
Philippines has politicians magnanaCOW.

Doc: Congrats! Tell your husband you're pregnant.
Lady: I'm single.
Doc: Tell your lover.
Lady: There's no lover.
Doc: OK, then. Tell your parents to start praying..... you will become the next Virgin Mary.

A lady visits her doctor again.
Doc: You looked more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having three meals a day as I advised?
Lady: What? I thought you said three MALES a day!

Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang may side effect ang Viagra?
Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi sa side.

Erap: 'Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!'
Doc: 'Is it choking?'
Erap: 'No, it is Max's.'
Doc: 'I don't mean 'Chow King', I mean, are you choking....'
Erap: 'No, Doc! Serioso ako, Doc!'

Sex is like mathematics:
Add the bed, minus the lights, subtract the clothes, bring down the panty, divide the legs, be ready to multiply....

At their honeymoon:
60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: 'Honey, before we do it, let's first pray for guidance.' Young bride: 'Darling, just pray for endurance, I'll take care of the guidance!'

OLD MAID'S PRAYER
Dear Lord. hindi ako hihiling para sa sarili ko, kundi para po sa aking mga magulang. Please lang po bigyan na ninyo sila ng manugang! Amen.